the analogy of the gondola

Elder David Bednar of the quorum of the twelve talked at BYU-Idaho a while back. He spoke on technology and how it is taking us into a technology virtual reality and away from this reality. You can find his talk here… http://www.byub.org/talks/Talk.aspx?id=3543

It is an incredible talk and from Claire’s 101 – so “before its time.” Even though it was only given two years ago, I have seen more and more people get sucked into this “virtual reality.”

Here’s my story to go along with this talk-

So this past month, my mom took me and my girls down to Telluride, CO for a trip on the Gondola ride. It is free and so gorgeous (two amazing pluses in my book!) Anyway, Little Miss A was thrilled at how big she felt going on the Gondola. Her anticipation was so worth the two hour drive. As we went up the first stretch, she realized that there were gondolas passing us every so often… and that they were filled with people.

We told her that she can wave to the people in passing and that if she waved good enough, they would probably wave back. Excitedly, she started waving her hand at every gondola passing by. And guess what? It worked! A group of people saw her and waved back. A’s enthusiasm rose as her faith was strengthened and her “testimony” and grew of this.

As each gondola passed, we noticed an interesting trend. Each gondola that had a group of people waved. Almost every single time! They were engaged in the outside world as they happily interacted with this sweet girl passing. However, each gondola that passed with only one person never gave a wave in return. In fact, they didn’t even see my sweet A. Each single, alone person was looking down and either on a phone, texting, or listening to music.

These people were not of this reality. They had chosen to distance themselves of the gorgeous surroundings and of my sweet A. As we got off the gondola, I suddenly felt sorry for those people who missed this interaction. It could have made their day… way more than a text from a friend. Plus, if they would have just looked up, they might have seen her and realized that they were missing out on this beautiful experience and scenery.

I love in Elder Bednar’s talk he says'-

“I testify that God lives and is our
Heavenly Father. He is the Author of the
plan of salvation. Jesus is the Christ, the
Redeemer, whose body was bruised,
broken, and torn for us as He offered the
atoning sacrifice. He is resurrected; He
lives; and He stands at the head of His
Church in these latter days. To be
“encircled about eternally in the arms of
his love” (2 Nephi 1:15) will be a real and
not a virtual experience.”

 

I second this with my testimony that even though technology is good and can be used for great things, Satan is fully aware of the fact that we do have physical bodies and he doesn’t. He will do everything in his power to keep us from enjoying this reality. There are so many things that we can spend our time on – social networking, blogs (ours and every one else’s), tv and movies online, music, games, pinterest, etc… One of my favorite bloggers who I read religiously just posted about realizing that she spent too much time blogging and now sets the timer for fifteen minutes to manage her time better, so she can enjoy her family more.

So what can you do to come back to this reality? Does it mean to let your calls go to voicemail? Turn your phone on silent during evening hours (like 5-8pm)? Drop your FB account and focus on your kids more?

One cool idea that I have seen is to have a basket at functions that asks people to drop their phones off for the time. I loved it!!!

PS- I just have to let you know that even I am not perfect… because as I went to put photos on this post, I noticed something IRONIC

I got a phone call on the gondola! I had to answer it because it had to do with us selling our car. Now that I think about it, I was so frustrated and cut the call short because I wanted to enjoy this moment with my girls. Ha! See, I am normal-

marriage: parent & adult child relationships

How are we supposed to treat the parent-adult child or in-law relationships in our lives? This is a question that has almost plagued me in my marriage. My hubby and I come from completely different backgrounds! The longer we are married, the more opposite we seem because of how we were raised. He folds his socks as matches are made. I put all the socks into a pile and then match and fold them at the end of the other folding. His family goes boating on Sundays, mine barely lays a finger out the front door (except for church responsibilities). Our families carry different standards and values, and somehow my hubby and I ended up together.

I was asked by a friend of mine what I know and have studied about extended family relationships and thought of how much I really needed to revamp my knowledge on extended family and what parent-adult child relationships should be like.

My first thoughts took me to the scriptures (most answers can be found in those things!). I first went to the Book of Mormon and looked at the relationship of Nephi and his father Lehi. Nephi obeys his father’s desires to leave Jerusalem, to go get the plates, and then to get a wife (but who wouldn’t obey that one? I mean, Laman and Lemuel followed that one straightway). But Nephi didn’t just blindly follow his father… he chose for himself. This is apparent in the Tree of Life vision. Lehi shared his vision and then Nephi asked for himself. I also love that Nephi came away with different and more in-depth answers to that vision. So how can this relate to the parent-adult child relationships we have?

The other story that I read about in Patricia Russel’s talk is on Ruth and Naomi in the bible (Building Good In-Law Relationships By Patricia Russell). Even though these two women were only family through marriage, the love and devotion they had to one another is a perfect example of what our relationships can and should be with our in-laws. Easier said than done right? Right.

So in order to have in-laws, we need to have a spouse! And the idea of marriage has been in God’s plan since day one. Cue Adam and Eve!

Adam and Eve are my ultimate role models of how to create a good marriage. If you are in a jam, it seems that these two have the answers. In Genesis 2 the Lord creates man. After creating Adam, the Lord caused a deep sleep to come upon Adam and out of Adam’s rib, he created Eve. This scripture follows, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). To cleave means to be loyal, devoted, and steadfast. It is important for husbands and wives to heed this counsel and apply it in their marriage. Adam wasn’t complete until he had a wife and vice versa. It wasn’t that Adam was complete with God, his father.

The role of mother, father, son and daughter cannot be expected to stay the same when a child gets married. Parents will need to give up their previous roles and allow independence. However, the couple will need to realize that there are previous relationships that existed before they came along and that even though this will change, the change won’t be a onetime thing.

As a couple, you have to create your own marriage identity. Kind of like how Nephi took the vision and got his own interpretation out of it; couples can take what they have been taught and decided for themselves what will define them as “one flesh.” President Spencer W. Kimball talked about the following three things: a couple needs to confide and counsel with each other, a couple needs to establish their household separately from parents, and a couple needs to prayerfully consider counsel from outside sources together. This will help you and your spouse define boundaries. In Helping and Healing our Families it states, “It helps a…married couple to think of themselves as existing together inside an invisible fence” p.328. So information stays in and people stay out.

This is really tough to do. In my life, sometimes this isn’t possible. My hubby works for his parents. He talks to and sees them at least twice as much as he does me. There is communication that goes on between them that I cannot be a part of; business and personal communication. So not only does that happen, but he is so busy that I cannot get a hold of him to communicate as much as I may think necessary for our relationship. It is a heavy burden to bear. But I am grateful for how wonderful we do communicate when time is made… and for how much sacrifice I know it sometimes is for my hubby to listen to my incessant phone calls :)

This invisible fence that is created needs to be discussed often to protect, maintain and heal if needed. I think especially for women (and especially for me in my situation), this fence is really important to give women a sense of security in marriage. Especially for them to feel that they are not in the fenced area alone and their hubby in a fenced area with his parents.

Sometimes there are intrusions between parents and children (a couple) into this invisible fence. Intrusions can be physically (coming over too much) and emotionally (opinions and expectations). Enmeshment is when parents and children feel they always have to be together and there is no room for excuses. It can cause lots of strife and burden in the pressure of making it to family events if a family is enmeshed. If something like this is happening , it is more likely that parents are dealing with their emotional issues and you aren’t the issue. So what can you do if enmeshment is happening? An option comes from Helping and Healing Families. It says, “they (children) may want to express love and gratitude, explain they have a need to further strengthen their couple identity, and explain how the expectations for being together with the family are getting in the way of their couple relationship.” Do this in a respectful and humble manner.

So what can parents do or not do to strengthen their relationships with their in-laws and adult children? Gloria Horsley in The In-law Survival Manual: A Guide to Cultivating Health In-law Relationships says parents can strengthen that relationship by avoiding these things:

1. 1- giving advice
2. 2- criticizing
3. 3- pinning down children in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event
4. 4- taking over discipline of grandchildren
5. 5- trying to control everyone and everything including children in-law’s beliefs
6. 6- indirect and unclear communication

If a parent-in-law does things right the effect can be eternally positive and long felt. What are the right things? I am sure as a parent-in-law, you don’t feel like you can do anything right. Well, I am sure your daughter-in-law or son-in-law feels the same way. Being mindful and respecting their different backgrounds, beliefs and standards is a good start. Not feeling defensive that they married your son/daughter. Don’t expect them to do things the way you do… it might be nice to share with them what you have done as a family (traditions, routines, etc). Give them space and “open the doors” to your world and let them come in. Don’t force them to do something they have reservations about. Prayerfully consider when to step in and when to allow space.

What can you do as a child and in-law to strengthen your relationships with your spouse’s and your own family? First, you need to set boundaries for what is allowed. This is to be done together between you and your spouse. Don’t have your spouse be the go between for you and your in-laws!!! It causes mistrust and can damage future growth of relationships. Contacting your families together regularly is also important; it shows that your relationship with them is something you value. When you are comfortable, disclose personal information that will open their eyes to who you are and what you believe. Communicate openly, accept differences, and use empathy to further these relationships.

Overall, I believe that the most important thing for both parents and married children to use is forgiveness and repentance. With each new marriage comes new experiences, trials, and joys. We are not perfect and therefore, you cannot expect them to be perfect. We can let these things hinder us, or make us stronger. How much more joy we can feel if we open our hearts to new growth and love.

So how is your relationship with your parents and in-laws? What can you do to strengthen that relationship?

I know that the family unit is ordained of God. It has been established since day one with Adam and Eve and is meant to be a central focus of this earthly life. Our relationships are eternal and we have to develop them into the kind of relationships that are positive… now. Not waiting for the other to initiate the growth. You need to step in. Create that imaginary fence with your spouse so that security is fastened and then you can pursue your other relationships knowing that you and your spouse are on the same page and will support one another.

Remember the Lord commanded us to leave our parents and cleave unto our spouse. What can you do today to cleave?

Further Reading and Resouces

The Proclamation to the World: the Family

Helping and Healing our Families: Chapter 37 Edited by Craig H. Hart, Lloyd D. Newell, Elaine Walton, and David C. Dollahite

Strengthening Our Families: An in-Depth Look at the Proclamation on the Family Edited by David C. Dollahite

Building Good In-Law Relationships by Patricia Russell

The In-law Survival Manual: A Guide to Cultivating Health In-law Relationships by Gloria Horsley

a successful family

Eternal Families are central to God’s plan. Every person who comes to earth gains not only a but also comes into a “family” by a mother and father. Understood that we all have different backgrounds and circumstances, but these two things are universal for every person. It all started with Adam and Eve… they were brought together as a family to grow a family.

In a family, we learn some of the most important things we need in this life and for the next life… we learn how to become more like our Heavenly Father. Harold B. Lee taught, “The most important of the Lord’s work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes.”

The devil tries with all his might to break up families… and how successful he seems! He seeks to destroy families by drawing them away from God. He will tempt us to do things that draw our families apart. In my life right now I can see this happening so literally. My hubby has been working two hours away. It started off as once a week (about 2 months ago)and now it is 5 days a week. In order to not have a 4 hours commute daily, he has been staying up next to his work in an RV and will come home on the weekends. As we have struggled and talked about all our options for how to keep our family together, I have felt these thoughts creep into my head that him being gone for the whole week is the best thing ever… and we shouldn’t do anything about our situation in getting closer to one another. But I know this isn’t the right thing… so I continue to look for housing that will fit our needs. I don’t want to move (not one bit) but will do it for my family. (For those who know me, this isn’t the first time I have moved to save my family).

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has declared that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (ensign, november 1995, pg 102). This is a list that can take lots and lots of work… our whole lives and some to accomplish! It can seem overwhelming… which in most cases it does with me. But here are some things that will help us feel happy in our families and will probably accomplish a lot of accomplishing the principles above.

How to have a Successful Family:

1. Have family prayer every night and morning - 3 Nephi 18:21. Pray together as husband and wife

2. Teach children the gospel every week in family home evening

3. Study the scriptures regularly as a family

4. Do things together as a family such as work, projects, outings, and decision making

5. Learn to be kind, patient, long-suffering, and charitable – Moroni 7:45-48

6. Attend church meetings regularly – D&C 59:9-10

7. Follow the counsel of the Lord in D&C 88:119: “Organize yourselves, prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God.”

8. Keep a family history, perform temple work together, and receive the sealing ordinances of the temple.

 

So will you do today and this week to help to achieve success in your family? Choose one or two of these things above and focus on them this week! I would love to hear what you are doing or plan to do this week…

strengthening your family

i attended a wonderful meeting today called stake conference for my church. A member of the Quorum of the Seventy, Daniel M. Jones spoke and was so inspiring! The things he talked about were right down my alley with my education in Family Studies…

He talked about how the world is loosing the idea of family and that we, as a church, are lucky to know why family is so important. However, because we know about family and why it is so important, we are fighting to keep it alive… our own families and to help other families who don’t know what we know. If you would like to get an idea of what we know in the Mormon religion you can click HERE. 

Brother Jones gave a list of ways in which we can strengthen our families… there were 25 things. Sadly as I was writing as fast as I could, my daughter suddenly tells me that she can’t find her gum. A two year old who has lost her gum. I instantly switched to searching for the gum around number 15 so I only have 19 of the 25 items he spoke on. Here they are as follows:

Ways to Strengthen Our Families

1. Read and review frequently the Proclamation to the World: the Family
2. Have family prayer morning and night
3. Have meaningful Family Home Evening each Monday night
4. Search the scriptures daily – by yourself, with your spouse, and with your family
5. Eat at least one meal as a family – I was so excited when he said this!
6. Husbands, give timely priesthood blessings to your wife and children
7. Obtain and study your patriarcle blessing often
8. Teach children the plan of salvation with emphasis on the 5 saving ordinances
9. Teach your children that individual worth doesn’t come from material things, but from what’s inside and the Lord
10. Give heed to the prophet’s words – all of them
11. establish your home as a place of peace, learning, communication, trust, love and patience
12. Bear testimony to your children daily
13. Be 15 minutes early to church and sit with your family
14. Spend an hour of time with your companion daily- dedicate that time to study of the scriptures and your relationship
15. fill your home with worthy and appropriate literature and media
16. strictly monitor the use of the internet and TV
17. Do not give your children an allowance – teach them the importance of work and pay them as the do useful work
18. have a photo of a temple prominently placed in your home
19. Encourage and guide your children to graduate from seminary and institute

He mentioned that we are not to get overwhelmed… we just need to be consistent. I liked that!

If you have any questions about these, feel free to get a hold of me at rissdesign.ct@gmail.com. I would LOVE to answer them!

carl bloch- the master’s hand

Right now at the BYU Museum of Art paintings of Carl Bloch are on display. This is such a rare opportunity to have these amazing and glorious pieces of art all together. Last night, my family went to the exhibit and was touched at the power of the paint and talent in which they were rendered.

You can go here to the BYU Museum of Art website to read more, see some of the paintings, AND get tickets to go see the exhibit. Whether you are LDS or not, one cannot discount the spirit of these paintings. An added BONUS is that you can rent an iPad that will take you through the exhibit and go into further detail about the artist.

How blessed and strengthened I feel because of this man. I am definitely going back again… maybe I can soak up some more insight into who my Savior is and what He has offered to me.

On display until May 7, 2011

today… starting with yesterday

Today was a rough day.

This rough started with my day yesterday. I planned too much for the day.

I had in my head that I would complete a whole bedding set, pillows and all. I would prepare two lessons for church, make cupcakes, cuts A’s hair, vacuum, and fold my laundry.

Not one thing was completely finished besides my lessons, and those weren’t spot on.

A and I went out early in the morning to run our errands to get the finishing touches for my project so I could start sewing. I started sewing at 11:30 am… when 7:30 pm rolled around and I wasn’t even done with the duvet cover, my emotions plummeted low.

How could I have not finished everything I set out for doing? 

I took a time out on my bedding-less bed trying to analyze what went wrong, while all along knowing that I knew this would happen before the day even began. I planned too much.

With much gratitude, my husband and girl came to cheer me up and help me get back to work again. They vacuumed, picked up toys, and then he took A out to some friends so I could have time to do my lessons. The night finished fairly well with no trailing emotions… or so I thought.

This morning was like someone opened the flood gates to my emotions. I was crying about everything, starting with the rain outside. My mood was as dismal as the rain. I didn’t feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost in letting me know that the lessons I needed to teach would be what someone needed to hear. I was aware of everyone – like they could see through my facade and see that I was having a hard morning. In sacrament meeting, it seemed like all I did was tell A to sit down, get off the floor, or turn around. I struggled through my lesson (and thankfully, didn’t have to teach the other one in the end) and seemed to notice just how many of the sisters weren’t paying attention. I just felt like a complete failure.

I came home from church, undressed and climbed into bed. I laid there for some time pondering on the events of the past two days. Then I was sparked by President Uchtdorfs talk from Conference about slowing down. I felt the sudden comfort from the spirit that I needed to read that talk again, that I planned too much, that it wears on my family when I do, that I need to do better at balancing my time.

I love this quote from President Uchtdorf’s talk :

My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do “all these things . . . in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby . . . win the prize.”

I changed pace for the rest of today. I have slowed down and hid my to do list for tonight. My dishes aren’t done, my house is kind of disheveled, but my family is happy and I feel so much better. I understand what the prize is now and tonight, I obtained it.